I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
