1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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