Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
