it wasn't lemon gatorade
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
