Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
