i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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