Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
