It's Friday. Sex?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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