i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
