yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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