I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
