I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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