i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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