if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
