Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Randomize
