Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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