Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize