i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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