Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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