I intend to get homeless drunk
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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