my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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