if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We got so high we made milksteak
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
