I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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