I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
