can we get nightvision for the apartment?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
