They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
This baby is an asshole
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
