I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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