She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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