Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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