i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
