Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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