Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
