he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
whose parrot is this?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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