Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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