youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
well most of my day revolves around power hour
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
