If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Randomize
