I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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