there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I smell stomach acid.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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