this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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