Apparently you make a good broom.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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