my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
