Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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