At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
