he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There's always time for handjobs
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
