everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize