Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
