Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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