then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
