I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
