You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
