The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
