I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
