i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
