My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
