I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize