we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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