my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
