Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
