New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
