im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize