We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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